


Dean's World and his Brother's Eyes

by justafan (orphan_account)



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Happy Ending, Mark of Cain, Schmoop, Season/Series 10 Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-18
Updated: 2015-06-18
Packaged: 2018-04-04 23:04:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,078
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4156311
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/justafan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Season 10 Spoilers!!! Don't even read the summary! Go Away if you don't want to know!</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Last Warning... Season 10 and Finale spoilers below!!!</p>
<p>I warned you. </p>
<p>Dean has spent his life looking after Sammy. So you'd think this would be painful for him. He knows it should probably hurt but it doesn't. He's just numb now. So the man who spent his whole life protecting Sam, is about to kill him. And for some reason he's okay with that.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dean's World and his Brother's Eyes

**Author's Note:**

> So I wrote this in about an hour. I just couldn't get it out of my head. Editing didn't really happen... it's late... I'm tired. But anyway I hope it isn't horrible :)

Dean closes his eyes. He takes a deep breath. He basks in the silence and wonders where he's headed. What's in his future? He's past the point of caring though. In this moment there's only one thing that breaks through the stone wall that is his mind. Sammy.

Suddenly they're children again. Sam couldn't be more than four. They're in the back of the impala while their dad was driving. The radio was low but he's sure John couldn't hear it for the boys arguing. Sam's tiny foot swung up onto the bench seat with his toes stretched down to poke at his brother's thigh.

"Dad! Make him leave me alone!" Dean shouted above the sound of Sam's giggles. John ignored them both. Sam continued to prod at his brother.

Dean swatted across them and his finger tips slapped against Sam's bare forearm. His little brother let out a loud whine of protest and the gentle prodding with his feet turned to full force kicks.

"Daaaad!" Dean groaned.

"Don't hit your brother Dean." John stated in a rough monotone.

"But he-"

"He's young. You're supposed to be more mature than this."

Dean crossed his arms and tucked his chin to his chest. He was mad. He would just have to ignore Sam then.

He tried. He really did. He took slow breaths. He tried asking Sam nicely to leave him alone. Trying to get dad to intervene was a lost cause. He stared out the window and tried to tame the fumes of his glare. And then came Sam's head into his lap. Into his space. He still ignored it. He allowed Sam's stupid long hair to tickle against his skin. He ignored the mischeivous smirk on his face. Sam lifted his head and threw it back into Dean's leg. Hard. That was the last straw.

Dean brought his knee up and shoved Sam into the floor board of the car. His brother tumbled with a squeal and of course Sam got up mad. He fumbled his way back into the seat and coming at Dean with tiny fists flying. Dean didn't like man-handling his little brother but sometimes it was just necessary. Like now. He held onto Sam's little wrists and kept the raging boy still. Dean knew he shouldn't hit his brother, and he didn't even want to. He'd never hurt him. But right now he just wanted to annoy him the way that Sam was him. With Sam's hands pinned to his sides Dean leaned forward and slurped his wet tongue from Sam's jaw to his his forehead. Dean's eyes lit up with accomplishment.

He'd expected Sam to act like he'd been set on fire. He expected struggle and squirming. Whining and screaming wouldn't be the worst of the fit he'd expected. But instead the biggest smile stretched across Sam's face.

**Dean stared in awe at the way Sam's beautiful eyes brightened.**

While Dean was still in shock from the weird reaction Sam leaned forward and closed the distance between them again. When Sam did it, it wasn't a sloppy lick for annoyance, it was a small kiss. Closed mouth and tender onto his brother's cheek. At that Dean let Sam go. Sam scooted back to his spot and didn't bother Dean anymore. Dean stared out the window and wondered why his stomach felt like it had been tied in a knot.

Later that night at the motel, Sam had an arm around Dean in the bed they were always forced to share. Sam seemed to always feel more secure when he could sleep touching Dean in any way possible. And Dean really didn't mind. He kind of liked it. He liked that Sam was close so that he could protect him if the need arose. And it was kind of nice to be wanted by someone. They could both hear their dad's alcohol induced snores filling the room from the bed next to them. Dean tickled his fingers up the arm that Sam had draped around him.

"Can I ask you something serious Sammy?" Dean whispered. He wasn't sure if Sam was awake but he felt a small nod against his chest.

"Why do you actually try to get on my nerves sometimes? Like earlier in the car." Dean asked him in a tone that wasn't reprimanding. Just honestly curious. He knew that sometimes Sam set out to push his buttons. And he knew exactly how to do it.

"I don't." Sam replied in a small shy voice.

"But you do. You know it. It's ok, but just why? Is it when you're bored?" Dean brought his other arm around Sam's back. Wrapping him in an embrace.

"No." Sam mumbled.

"Then why?"

"Usually when I want you to pay attention to me." He finally replied. After a long pause Sam pulled his arm off of Dean and scooted away. His brother let that sink in. He'd thought the conversation was over until he barely heard Sam continue his reason.

"I need to know you care about me, Dea. I usually feel like dad don't." Dean could hear his brother's strained voice. He felt naked without Sam sleeping against him. He scooted against Sam's back and wrapped his arms around his little brother. Sam relaxed when he felt Dean nuzzle his cheek against his hair.

" **Don't you ever think I don't care Sammy.** You could never understand how much." Dean held on tighter. After he heard Sam's breathing change he let himself drift to sleep still holding his whole world in his arms.

* * *

 

Dean opened his eyes to see the dim room in his reality. Death's presence behind him was unforgettable. The horseman was being patient. Giving him the time he needed. But Dean knew the patience wouldn't last much longer.

He felt like he should be hurting more than he was. This should be harder than it is. But it just isn't. Maybe he's been in pain so long that he's gone numb. Nothing would surprise him anymore. He paces the wooden floor slowly, each step giving a heavy creak from his boots. That's why he had to do this. Everything he's been through. Everything he's done. He needs to pay penance. Sure him and Sam had saved the world a couple of times. But they wouldn't be able to say that if they hadn't been the ones to break it in the first place.

With each step Dean took a new face came to his mind. Bobby. _step_. Jo. _step_. Ellen. _step_. Ash. _step_. John. _step_. Jess. He stopped pacing and brought his hands to his face. Pam, Kevin, and now Charlie. He thought of all the trouble he'd caused Cas. The hell he brought on Lisa and Ben. Even Sam. Through his entire life he had one goal. Save Sam. And God knows he failed at that. How many times had he let him die? How many dark paths had he let Sam wander down alone? The fact that Sam was even in this life was his fault. He'd taken away Sam's chance at happiness the day that he'd went to get him from Stanford. That thought is what distracts Dean. He thinks back to the night that Sam left.

The night was dark and the streets were wet. Dean stood back silently as he watched Sam yell at their father.

"This is my life. MINE. I get to make my own choices." Sam yelled in his deep voice as he stood inches taller than their dad.

"Right. And you're making the choice to leave your family." John growled at his youngest son.

"You're the one making it mean that Dad! I'm leaving the business. Not the family!" Sam's voice was loud and more rebellious than either of them had ever heard it. This wasn't pushover Sam. This Sam was a stranger.

"You leave now, then you're choosing to leave the family. And if you go... don't you come back." John stated in a tone that was rough and final.

Sam stood still. He quit yelling and tried to calm himself. His eyes moved to still silent Dean. His brother looked back at him in resolve. He's not adding to the conversation. He wouldn't dare defy dad.

**Dean watched his brother's pained eyes** shine with tears that wouldn't dare escape. He was so angry. Dean wanted so bad to take those tears away. To take away his pain. But mostly take away this desire to leave. Why does Sam want out so badly? Why would Sam leave him?

After a long moment Sam silently got into his beat up car and drove away without a word. Dean's chest tightened as he watched his whole world disappear into the night.

* * *

 

Still standing in the eerie room with Death awaiting his decision, Dean remembered how torn he'd been before he went to get Sam from Stanford. Dad had been gone for a while. Sure it would've been nice to have help finding him. But all Dean could think of was that this would be a good outlet to see Sam. To convince him to come back. Dean wanted Sam to be happy. But he'd never understood why the only way for that to happen was for him to be away from Dean. Dean remembered the first night he'd spent with Sam after he'd asked him for help finding their dad.

He'd showed up at the college, in Sam's apartment at night. Trying to play it non chalant. Like it was normal for him to be there. And like his heart wasn't beating out of his chest. Like his heart wasn't still broken. Sam agreed to leave on the terms that he'd be back by that Monday. Not a word was said about how it'd been two years since they'd spoken. Neither of them acknowledged the tension. They pretended they'd seen each other just yesterday and like there weren't forty eight roaring elephants in the room. It came to a head that same night in the motel room. After a couple of hours watching TV silently, Dean had to do something. He took a shower and when he'd re entered the room with a towel around his waist Sam's eyes only glanced at him for a second before they were back on the TV.

But in that second Dean saw anger his brother's eyes. He saw pain and disgust. He could see that Sam was physically hurting himself by staying quiet. His chest was heaving and Dean was pretty sure his brother was biting his tongue so hard metaphorically that it was about to bleed literally.

"So I guess we need to do this." Dean stated flatly and tossed his duffle onto the bed.

"Do what?" Sam replied, his tone just as flat.

"This. This fight, or whatever that we both know is coming." Dean started rummaging for his toothpaste. It'd hurt too much to make eye contact right now.

"I'm not fighting with you Dean." Sam turned off the TV and covered up in his bed.

"Well you're sure as hell not going to sleep either. Talk to me at least." Dean walked over to his brother's bed and tried to roll Sam back to face him.

"Dude, I'm not a kid anymore. Leave me alone." Sam buried his face into the pillow, making a point not to budge when Dean had encouraged.

"mememe- leave me alone- mememememe" Dean mocked. "You sure don't sound like a kid." Dean spit out and went to get dressed. The snark had got Sam's attention.

"I don't want to talk because it's not like you care what I'd say." Sam said angrily at him.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means you don't care! You never have. Why would you start now?" The sudden change in the volume of Sam's voice had surprised them both. Dean didn't know how to respond. Sam didn't care he just turned back over.

"Why would you say I've never cared?" Dean wanted to be mad right now, but he just couldn't be. He needed to make this better. He needed his brother back.

"You let me leave." Sam muttered. Dean's heart stopped.

"Excuse me?"

Sam flipped the covers back and got out of bed. He stood tall and his walls broke.

"You let me leave! You stood there and didn't say a word when Dad told me not to come back."

Dean's mind was spinning.

"That was your decision Sam, what was I supposed to do?" Dean was pleading with him now. A couple of years too late.

"You were supposed to ask me to stay! You were supposed to tell Dad that you'd choose me over him! I was supposed to be more important to you than that. How could you just let me go?" Sam wasn't yelling anymore. His throat was tight with years of grief. Dean could see the strain in his face.

"I wanted you to be happy... I thought that's what you wanted. I didn't want to make you pick me over college." Dean was quiet.

"Why couldn't I have had both?"

Dean was dumbfounded.

"I thought you were trying to get away from me." He admitted. Sam choked back a pitiful almost laugh.

"Why would you have thought that?"

Dean really didn't know. He'd just assumed that's why Sam had wanted to move. And the fact that he hadn't tried contacting him in the past two years affirmed the idea. Sam sat next to Dean on the bed. Both of them vulnerable. Hashing out the biggest fight they'd ever had. Saying things they thought they'd never say.

"Because you wanted to leave me." Dean whispered in something that sounded like a cry.

"How could you think that I'd ever be happy living a life without you in it?" Sam asked him.

**When Dean met his brother's loving eyes he broke**. He shattered into an insecure little boy, into a million pieces.

Sam wrapped his arms around his older brother and wished they hadn't lost all of the time that they had. He held onto Dean and he felt like he was at home for the first time in years.

It felt good for Dean to quit pretending. Pretending like everything was ok. Pretending like he wasn't hurt. Dean let his brother care for him. He let his little brother show him how much he loves him, how much he missed him. That night Dean fell asleep with the peace that his whole world was finally back where it belonged.

* * *

 

"Have you reached your decision?" Death's voice brought him out of his thoughts. Dean took a breath. It probably was a painful one but he couldn't feel it.

"Yep." He answered. Gruff and curt. "Kill Sam. I'll do it if that's what fixes this." Dean stated.

Death gave a nod. "Then it's time to fetch your brother."

Dean dialed Sam's number. He was about to ask his brother to meet him here, so that he could end his life. And oddly enough... he was completely okay with that.

* * *

 

After a short act of defiance Sam gave up. He knelt in front of his brother and waited for Dean to use Death's scythe to end his life. People say that before you die your life flashes before your eyes. But that isn't true. For Sam he only thought of one thing.

A couple of years back he had been facing the trials. He'd wanted to close the gaits of hell. He'd almost succeeded. But in that church, on his death bed, Dean had begged him to stop. Dean told him 'there ain't no me if there ain't no you' and now Sam could hear the words ringing in his head.

Dean had been faced with a choice. Take every evil thing off of the face of the Earth forever, or save Sam. He'd literally chosen Sam over the entire world. He'd chosen Sam. And Sam knew it was because Dean didn't look at it that way. To Dean, the choice of the 'world' or Sam... it wasn't a choice. Not for Dean. Because Sam was Dean's world. He knew that he always had been.

"The mark has changed you. You aren't _you_ anymore. I understand that. You can kill me." Sam spoke softly. He reached into his pocket and pulled out pictures from their childhood. He laid them before Dean.

Sam looked up to meet his brother's eyes.

Dean saw the pictures that Sam laid out. The people in the pictures were strangers to him now. The little boy that he'd been was naiive. The pictures meant nothing. Nothing meant anything. He gripped Death's scythe and prepared to swing.

**But then, he looked into his brother's eyes**. They were filled with pain. They were empty. They were filled with disappointment, but somewhere deep in their amazing hues Dean could see that they still held hope. That was ignorant of him.

"Close your eyes." Dean commanded.

Sam didn't.

**In Sam's eyes** Dean saw the four year old in the backseat of the impala. He saw the little boy that couldn't go to sleep without touching him. The little boy who'd only wanted him to care. He saw the twenty two year old that held him while he broke, then put him back together.

"Sammy, **close your eyes**." Dean told him again. Softer this time. Like he was pretending that he wasn't about to break.

"You can kill me, because you aren't _you_. And there ain't no me if there ain't no you." Sam threw Dean's words back at him. But he still didn't look away.

Dean looked into his little brother's eyes. They shined with love even in these circumstances. As Sam continued to wait for his life to end, a tear betrayed his eyelid and escaped running down his cheek. Dean's instinct was to wipe the tear away. Save Sam.

_Save_ Sam. _Protect_ Sammy. That's how it'd always been.

Dean looked down at Sam. **In his brother's eyes he saw his whole world staring back at him**. He'd made his decision. And he doesn't go back on his word. He tightened his grip and swung hard. Aiming the scythe directly into Death... killing him.

Yes, Dean had made his choice a long time ago. He'd decided to look after Sammy. Protect Sam. He'd told Sam to never question that he cared. So for that reason, Dean had to start caring again. Starting with caring for his whole world.

　

 


End file.
